A Sunday Poem…..

It’s Sunday and I’m feeling a bit creative, so here’s my first attempt at a poem. 

I have no idea what inspired this one, but it formed itself in my head and I scribbled it into my moth eaten notepad.

Would love and appreciate your feedback on this.  As I say, it’s my first attempt.

Everlasting Night.

I have sinned in a terrible way
The deceased deserved more
Yet, for now I am still alive
Albeit behind metal doors

I never meant to cause them pain
I had lost all self-control
Dear Lord, please forgive me
And have mercy on my soul

Their images are still clear and fresh
Each one lingers in my mind
They were just getting on with the lives
They were forced to leave behind

A glint of silver
The flash of a blade
Their life blood seeped out
From the wounds that I had made

And so, today is my reckoning
My maker I shall meet
But I know where I am going
For I already feel the heat

The straps are secure now
The buckles are pulled tight
And as my veins are injected
Daylight slowly turns into everlasting night

~End~

Please let me know what you think.  Thanks and have a great Sunday!

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19 Comments

Filed under david barber, david barber's fiction world, everlasting night, poetry

19 responses to “A Sunday Poem…..

  1. 'A glint of silverThe flash of a bladeTheir life blood seeped outFrom the wounds that I had made'My favourite verse. It seemed to jump out from the rest in language and fluidity. I thought this could be like a refrain later on with slightly different words that moved the story on.This isn't your first attempt at a poem ever though is it? I loved the fact we had a killer waiting to be killed, accepting his fate, almost comforted by it and being so poetic in his farewell to a cruel world he helped make cruel.For poetic reasons I would have switched 'slowly' and 'returns' around- Daylight turns slowly, into everlasting night.But that's just a style choice so please ignore it.Great stuff and looking forward to reading more. Is the Sunday Poem thing going to be a regular feature?

  2. Wow, David. A chilling first attempt. I think you did a good job of creating mood, an unstable state of mind, and atmosphere in this poem. Well done, you. You should do more… no pressure. 🙂

  3. I'm not a great one for poetry but i enjoyed that David. I also think i got the point. Well crafted mate!

  4. You fit a good story in your poem, David.

  5. I like poems that rhyme (a sure sign I don't know diddly 'bout poetry)and I think this one's great!

  6. Pretty dang good there,David. Nice job!

  7. I'm right with Harry on poetic knowledge. A fantastic job, sir. Especially considering that it's your first go at it.

  8. ah…. gees…sounds like from the Dead Poet's Society…… kinda reminded me of Robert ServiceThere's sunshine in the heart of me, My blood sings in the breeze; The mountains are a part of me, I'm fellow to the trees.My golden youth I'm squandering,Sun-libertine am I;A-wandering, a-wandering, Until the day I die. ….

  9. Anthony – Yes, this is my FIRST attempt and the verse you liked the most is the one that I thought didn't quite work. I've got lots of work to do to sort this poetry stuff out. A Sunday Poem could be a regular spot, if I can get my head round things. Hey, I may even do a guest spot. Thanks, mate!Laurita – Thank you. This piece just seemed to manifest itself in the old grey matter. I enjoyed writing it.Paul – Cheers, bud. It's a learning curve.Leah – Thank you!Harry – Thanks! I'm not too well up on poetry either and rhyming poetry is just the start of it. Is it even poetry, or is it just a rhyme? I'll give it another go though.Glenn – Thanks, mate. I'll be giving it another bash. Thanks for stopping by.Alan – Thank you. It really is my first go at it.Jim – Is that a good thing? I've never seen it. Thanks??

  10. This is AWESOME! Killer ending, no pun intended. Splendid poem! Looking forward to #2.

  11. David Barber wrote a poem! I'm so glad.This is great; you talk of 'attempt' yet this is really well crafted. There is no rhyming for rhyming's sake, it flows easily and well. Although I don't 'do' rules what is important to me when I read and write poetry is that the words dance – and you really have achieved that here. Don't stop.x

  12. Cathy – Thank you! I was a bit reluctant to post it but after the positive feedback #2 may be following soon.Lily – Thank you so much. You have got me into enjoying reading and now writing poetry, so your feedback [no disrespect to others] is appreciated. Thanks! x

  13. Cool poem! Solid narrative and a crushing final stanza.

  14. Chris – Thanks, mate. Cool of you to stop by!

  15. The innocence of the rhyming verse is a stark contrast to the subject matter. The narrator wants to make something child-like and pretty out of horror – the violent death of his victims and his own violent death. It's a sugar coating on a dark, dark subject indeed…

  16. I love the voice, the confessional tone, and the acceptance of the price to be paid. Beautifully done.

  17. Ron – Thanks, buddy. The rhyming wasn't intentional but now you point that out, it works pretty well. It's the start of a bug learning curve.Julie – Thank you. Appreciate you taking a look.

  18. David, I'm the worst judge of poetry you could possibly find but for what it's worth, I thought it was very good. I've always thought writing poetry is a much more difficult endeavor than prose and I respect the hell out of somebody who is able to do it. – Jim

  19. Jim – Thanks for your honesty. I'm not the best when it comes to poetry myself but thanks to a great writer friend, Lily Childs', I've come to respect it more myself and I'm now giving it a go. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the follow!

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