Monday Madness…..

This little piece came to mind when I was having my lunch today.  How my mind works…….


“So tell me, what’s your favourite?”

“Oh, I love g-g-great t-tits.”

“Ahh, parus major. Now, they are beautiful. Small, plump and brightly coloured. What about blue tits?”

“Well, I p-p-prefer them w-w-warm!”

“What? They’re all warm. What about juveniles? Do you know the difference?”

“Of course I d-d-do! What kind of qu-qu-question is th-th-that?”

“Well, some people can’t tell. They mistake juveniles for adults and that can be quite a problem.”

“Well I’m not l-l-like th-that.”

“Good. Let’s go off the tits for a minute and talk about a phalacrocorax aristotelis.”


“A shag?”

“I beg your p-p-pardon?”

“A shag? No?”

“N-n-not with you!”

“What about kittiwake?”

“Kitty W-w-wake. I think she was in a film I’ve s-s-seen.”

“What? Never mind, let’s get back to the tits then. What about the aegithalos caudatus, the long tailed tit?”

“I p-p-prefer them with long l-l-legs.”

“Sorry? I think we have some kind of communication problem here.”

“Y-y-you r-r-reckon?  It’s a st-st-stammer.”

“No, not that.  Are you sure you’ve come to the correct class?”

“Y-yes.  This is the the p-p-pornothology c-c-class isn’t it?”


P.s. Yes, I know I spelt ornithology wrong, but thanks for noticing!




Filed under david barber, david barber's fiction world, flash fiction, humour, pornothology

21 responses to “Monday Madness…..

  1. Ha! That's one confused guy. Probably a good thing he didn't ask him about woodcocks.

  2. Nice. "aegithalos caudatus, the long tailed tit?” – that one got me.

  3. I would kill to actually witness this conversation in person. Great job with the stammering dialogue.

  4. LOL! Pornothology. Sign me up. What a coincidence, I'm reading a book right now with a stuttering protag. Stuttering's in! It's all the rage! We'll all be stuttering soon!

  5. Laurita, Erin & Jenny – Thanks a lot for stopping by. Glad it gave you a laugh.Jenny, welcome!!

  6. R-R-Rebecca – Th-th-thanks!! Glad you liked it.Come on lads, I'm feeling a bit intimidated here. Ha!

  7. Int-t-t-timidated? Isn't this the part where all the women commenting start whipping off their clothes because the subject of p-p-p-pornothology has got them all hot and bothered? b-b-b-bow-chika-wow-wow…

  8. Really now, four Oscars for "The King's Speech" and it's suddenly stammer this and s-s-stammer that…Mahhh – just foolin'. "Pornothology" is funny, funny stuff."Let’s go off the tits for a minute and talk about a phalacrocorax aristotelis." – the prof's dialogue is perfect. You set them up and knock them out all through this. Great stuff.

  9. G

    Amazing what kind of c-c-c-conversations one c-c-c-can have in one's h-h-head.

  10. Chris – Thanks, buddy! To be honest I'd totally forgotten about the Kings Speech. I just thought a bloke with a stammer would work well. Glad it gave you a laugh.G – Thanks, mate. What can I say? Come and have a look inside my head. There's loads of conversations like the above one going on in there!! Thanks for popping over, G.

  11. Well stuttering anoraks and frantic fumblings, what a laugh. Pornothology – quick, trademark that, #hashtag it on Twitter, get everyone writing Pornothology. Awesome.

  12. Lily – Thank you. If I had the time I would. Thanks for your previous help with Twitter, but I still can't get my head round it. May have to pick your brains again.

  13. The brains are rotten, David, rotten to the cortex. But I'll do what I can.I do see that @thetwoblokes have tweeted about #pornothology! I've replied but stupidly managed to miss off the hashtag. I told you, brains are long gone.

  14. Thanks, Lily. I'll be in touch.

  15. P.p.p.issed, me-sides, mate!Tits are one of my most favourite things on earth! Amazing how they hold the 'wow' factor every time they come into view. Of course I'm on about bird-watching. :-)You on Twitter then, bud? Off to find yer…

  16. Sounds like an episode from "Two and a Half Men." Thanks for the grin.

  17. He, he, he…I thought I'd stepped into a conversation with the blokes.

  18. Col – Tits are the finest thing on earth. It's just unfortunate that they belong to women! Ha!Ron – Thanks, mate. Glad it made you laugh.Alan – Thank you. I thought about writing it as The Two Blokes, but I didn't think it would work. Besides, I've got a couple of new ones for those two.

  19. This fella sure has bird trouble!

  20. I've got a stash of Pornothology magazines under my bed next to my binoculars. No wonder people keep calling me a twitcher.Love it.

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