Friday Flash Fiction #34…Two Blakes At The Bar, Again.

It’s Friday Flash Fiction time again folks.  Cormac Brown decided to contribute his own choice of words for us this week. 

They were, Sculpture, Culture, Cult and Cohesive, and yes, I even got inspiration from the photo on his post.

All words had to be used but in no particular order.

I liked his choice of words, and I thought my two blokes at the pub would love them.

My entry for this week follows.  The word choices are in blue.

There’s These Two Blokes In A Pub…Again.

“They’ve broke its fucking arms off.”

“You dozy bastard, that’s what makes this sculpture so damn unique and valuable.”

“What, that fact that it’s got no arms makes it worth more? That makes no sense.”

“Look, the thing was made a couple of thousand years ago, like years before Christ was born. Things that old are worth a lot of money, and, things that old will obviously break or crack at some point on their journey through life. Look at old Frank over there.”


“Over there, by the fire. He’s only eighty four, and he’s lost both his legs. Fuck knows where. Nobody ever found ‘em.”

“Poor, old bastard.”

“You really are a gullible twat. Anyway, the Venus de Milo.”

“Easy, that’s a plant that eats flies. I’ve seen that on that show on TV with that bloke, Richard Attenborough.”

“God help me. David Attenborough, you mean. Anyway, the Venus de Milo, the sculpture you’re looking at and not the fly eating plant, supposedly depicts Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty, if I’m not mistaken.”

“It’s not exactly beautiful is it? I mean, would you do a bird looking like that? No arms and a blokes face, not me. No fucking way. She’s got nice tits though.”

“There’s really no culture with you is there? You’re uneducated and ignorant of everything in the world. God knows how you’ve made it this far in life.”

“I’m not ignorant. I always speak to people and say hello and thanks and stuff.”

“I didn’t mean it that way….see, that’s what I mean about you.”


“Oh, it doesn’t matter. You know, you should form you own cult.”

“What did you call me?”

“Fucking hell. Are you going deaf as well as stupid? I said cult, you should start your own cult. You could call it The Thick Bastard’s Club. If no one joined then you could just do a single suicide. You’d be famous.”

“Famous? Honestly, or are you just winding me up?”

“Oh, fuck me with a rusty ship. They must have dropped you on your head in the monkey sanctuary when you were born.”

“Hmm, famous. Anyway, you were telling me about the famous de Milo.”

“VENUS! Venus de Milo. Oh, there’s nothing to tell you now, apart from the fact that the sculpture now stands in the Louvre in Paris.”

“Right, I’ve got you there. Oh yes, who’s the thick one now? If it’s so fucking valuable, then why is it standing in some toilet in the middle of Paris?”

“Not a ‘loo’, you stupid cock. The Louvre. The world famous museum. There’s nothing cohesive in that brain of yours is there? Nothing sticks in there does it?”


“Are you still in, cos the light still seems to be on.”


“Oh no, it’s dimming now. Yep, it’s on its way out.”

“No, no. I was just thinking.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes. Maybe that’s where her arms went. They were snapped off when she was left in the toilets.”

“You really do wear me out, you know. Two more beers please, mate.”

The End.

Thanks To Cormac for continually subjecting himself to our stuff.  Cheers mate!

Hope you enjoyed it.  If you would like to read their previous conversation, click here.  You may enjoy it.  🙂

You know the drill, please leave a comment whether you liked it or not……



Filed under david barber, david barber's fiction world, friday flash fiction, humour, there's these two blokes at a bar...again

37 responses to “Friday Flash Fiction #34…Two Blakes At The Bar, Again.

  1. “What did you call me?”Heh-heh-heh-heh.

  2. It was perfect for the two blokes. Thanks, Cormac.

  3. Another excellent story, like the banter between two old friends.

  4. Thanks, Beach. I really like these two characters and there'll be more to come from them.

  5. lol that was hilarious, like a 18 Certificate version of Trigger and Boyce having a pint in the Nags Head. Loved it.

  6. Thanks, Lee. I don't know where these two characters came from but I love writing about them. Probably flashbacks from my drunken ramblings over the years. Glad you liked it mate.

  7. David – 'you' may not know where these two geezers came from, but I've certainly met them! (I may even be related to one – by marriage ;-p)A wonderful dialogue – you can hear the exasperation from the 'cultured' one of the pair 🙂 I was laughing out loud, nearly choked on my coffee (too early for a beer….)They're a great double-act – I hope we see more of them!

  8. Thanks, Sue. I've got loads of ides for these two. One of them may have been me in years gone by, I won't tell you which one though. 😉

  9. So, one of them's you…, let me think….;-p

  10. Yeah, I could listen to those ol' boys all day long. Hmm…maybe the two main characters for a novel?Just thinkin' out loud.

  11. Sue – :-)Mike – Thanks, man. I really enjoy writing them so maybe you have a point. I've got another idea involving dialogue alone which, hopefully, could be quite funny. A work in progress. 😉

  12. I love the chemistry and banter between these two blokes. FLowining and natural. Also, old Frank by the fire, without legs was a nice touch!

  13. Alan, thanks mate. Glad you enjoyed it. Looks like you had a great Father's Day!

  14. "They must have dropped you on your head in the monkey sanctuary when you were born."This is my favorite line. There is so much going on here visually. I think these guys would be great on an adventure of some sort. I look forward to more, David.

  15. david, i have seen your writing mature tons in such a short time. you have taken on an all dialogue story, no small order, and executed against it flawlessly. very strong voices here and clever lines. well done.

  16. Wow! I didn't think at first I would like this, as while dialogue is an amazing narrative tool that keeps things exciting, without context from direct prose it can usually be pretty meaningless. I was very pleasantly surprised with how easy the conversation was to follow, how entertaining it was, and how evocative it ended up. Great job, boss!

  17. Ha! Very funny, David.

  18. Don't drink and converse? 😉

  19. Doc

    I know from my own experience that doing a heavy dialogue story is tough to pull off, and a dialogue only story even more so, but you do it in spades! You are a masterful writer and I look forward to your pieces every week. Not only do you tackle a hard assignment, you make it wildly entertaining by making it very, very funny!You deserve all the accolades you get! Well done mate!Doc

  20. After I stopped laughing so hard and could think again, I recall listening in on similarly themed convos. Both people drinking, one trying to explain something to the other, and ending up as comical as this.Bravo!

  21. This story is SO FUNNY! I just giggled all the way through! And I've never seen anyone use the word fuck so creatively. Gold star for that!

  22. Yes, lots of chuckles. And David, your ear for dialogue is getting quite impressive.

  23. Thanks for the chuckle. Very good work with the dialog

  24. Flannery – Thanks a lot. I have some great ideas for them. Maybe even a camping trip.Michael – Thanks for your kind words. I'm honoured.Rick – Cheers mate. Welles – Thanks and glad you liked it.Randal – I'll take that as a compliment. :-)Doc – Thanks, man. You make me blush. Good to see you on the mend.JC – Thank you. I've had many a conversation like this. Maybe they are mine coming out of my sub-concious mind. :-)Cathy – Thanks for enjoying my use of the word 'fuck'. ;-)Anthony – A compliment that I will certainly accept. Thanks and glad you liked it.Mike – Thanks, mate, and nice to see you around.

  25. Dave,You're on top form here, bud.Laughed me cock off (can't find it now – the missus'll be pleased.)All-dialogue stories are notoriously tough, but I was on the bar-stool with these two guys. I echo the compliments above, particularly Mike Solender's.Keep chipping away at your novel, mate. You're ready for a wider audience.See you soon,Col

  26. Col – My first writing buddy! I love these two characters and have more of them to come. Your comments mean a lot. Thanks mate.

  27. Sometimes I act like that guy just to get people wound up. (the dumb one). I've been known to drive my Mum crazy. :PCute story! Funny. I LoL'd. :DThey are good characters and I like them. :)Now, what's with this hot new profile picture you've got going on??? Very nice! Me likey. ((Hugs))Laura

  28. Laura – Glad you like my story. They're great characters to write. Glad you like my new pic as well…you make me blush! It was taken by my 4 year old, Melissa. I think she may be a natural. 🙂

  29. Sharp dialogue and amusing which is not easy to pull off.

  30. David – Thanks, mate. Really appreciate your comments.

  31. That was hilarious. Loved the turns of phases used.~jon

  32. Arf! Beaut. That made me chuckle, alright.

  33. Jon & Paul – Glad you enjoyed the chuckle. Appreciate your comments, gents.

  34. Good one, Dave! It feels like you've rolled Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, and the Three Stooges into the Two Blokes. (And yes, I've just shown my age there!) Most of the straight up flash markets would work for this story, you'd just have to clean up the language for some of them.

  35. Sandra – Really appreciate your time and input. Thanks a lot. 🙂

  36. Sorry for missing this David. You know, the dialogue you produce is just so good, it's like sitting down at the local, listening to it happen.The 'famous de Milo"…he was half right :)Great job, mate!

  37. Paul – Thanks, man. I have some great ides for these two, and I'm working on maybe getting something sent out. Cheers!

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