A Trio Of Funnies….

The following jokes were emailed to me by our old neighbour back in Manchester.  They put a huge smile on my face this morning so I thought I would share them with you.  I hope you enjoy…

Baked Beans…..

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the aroma of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

“Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”

* * * * *

Even Nelson found this one funny…..

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

“You Sign! You sign!”

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

“You Sign! You sign!”

Nelson says to him, “Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man,” and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling,

“You sign! You sign!”

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

“Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man. I don’t want them!”  Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

“You sign! You sign!”

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

“Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?”

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It’s a beauty)……

(Wait for it)……

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)……

“You not Nissan Main Deala?”

* * * * *

The Walmart Doctor…..

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack turns to Mike behind him and says, “My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor!”

“Listen mate, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies, “There’s a diagnostic computer at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid…..a lot quicker and better than a doctor.”

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.  He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.  Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.’

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.  He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Walmart, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better….

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.

* * * * *
I don’t take any credit for the above (apart from a little editing) so please, no copyright bull.

Have a great day!  You know the drill……..



Filed under david barber, david barber's fiction world, funny

9 responses to “A Trio Of Funnies….

  1. Well you certainly brought a smile or three to my face, mate.The first one just edges it, but the last one is quality too.

  2. Cheers bud. Recently finished a huge job so I'm slowly getting back into things. Writing-wise, my mind was on work more than I wanted but was still doing a bit here and there. Now the 'pressure' has eased, I'm writing a lot more. Hope all is well, mate. Speak soon.

  3. Thanks for passig those along. The baked bean story was classic! I thought the Walmart story was hilarious as well.

  4. David, I laughed so hard at the Nissan Main Deala joke that I may have woken my son. Thanks mate!! Great to see you back.

  5. Alan – I just thought they were too good to keep to myself.Paul – Cheers bud. It's nice to be back. Work has got back to normal so should have some writing up up this week. It's good to see you about as well! 😉

  6. Ha! I think I've done myself a mischief laffin' at those jokes :-oI've heard of the first one (beans) but the other two are new to me – I've been chuckling about the Nissan delivery man all afternoon. 😉

  7. Thanks for the chuckles, David…

  8. Those were VERY funny!I think that the Walmart one was my fav. :P((Hugs))Laura

  9. They were all funny as hell, but that fart joke was the balls!

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