Patti Abbott’s Spring Flash Fiction Challenge…In An Instant.

Flash back to April 1st and Patricia Abbott (Pattinase) posted a Spring Flash Fiction Challenge.  She set the whole thing up with a ‘scene’.  The Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams, a red-headed woman in an electric blue dress and it had to take place in an eaterie/drinking place.

Her original post can be checked out here.  Please take some time to read through her blog, as she covers lots of topics as well as having some great stories of her own on there.

So here is my contribution to the challenge.  It’s quite short as it was the second one I’ve written today because the first one went way over the 1000 word mark (1800 words).

Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think.

IN AN INSTANT.

The restaurant was pretty quiet, as it usually was on a Wednesday evening. I was sat at my usual table, the one that faced the main doors and I was sipping my usual glass of red wine. The waiter had taken my order and, as usual, it was a mozzarella, tomato and basil starter followed by a lasagne for my main. I checked my watch and then compared it with the time on the clock behind the bar. She should be here any minute now.

Just then the music filtered through into the restaurant. It was always the second song when she walked in.

 I sipped my way through the first song, during which the waiter brought me my starter. Then the song came on. Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics floated through the air. It was at that moment that I put my fork down and she entered the room. She was a vision of pure beauty. She came here every Wednesday when I was here. Her long red hair spiralled down onto her shoulders and her figure hugging electric blue dress clung to every curve of her perfect figure. She was mouthing the words to the song as she walked into the restaurant. When she looked at me her face lit up in a huge smile. I smiled back. She was approaching my table when the song ended and the next one started. In an instant she was gone.

That was all the time it had taken the intoxicated driver of the red Mercedes to take her from my life eight months earlier.

END.

Post additon… The Other Stories In This Challenge.

You know the drill.  Leave a message if you want to and let me know what you think….they are appreciated.

Advertisements

33 Comments

Filed under david barber, david barber's fiction world, in an instant, pattinase, spring flash fiction challenge

33 responses to “Patti Abbott’s Spring Flash Fiction Challenge…In An Instant.

  1. Wow, I wasn't expecting that one. Now I see why it was always the second song when she came in. Nice setup and lovely writing.

  2. Very atmospheric – and such a sad end.I thought the 'second song' business might be something to do with her being a cabaret performer…..then I realised the significance of the song!Yet another goodie to add to your portfolio, young man!

  3. Patti – Thanks. It was a rush job but I think it worked. My other story which was way too long will appear somewhere…hopefully.Sue – Thanks. Glad you liked it and appreciate you comments. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. And now I'm curious about the 'other' story! C'mon – you can't leave it like that….

  5. Sue – A 1800 words its too long to edit down for a flash piece so I going to put a bit more meat into it and see what comps may come up. You'll get to read it…one day.

  6. I certainly hope so!I read Paul G's FUBAR (and now just onto FUBAR#2) and was well impressed.Let me know when you've got this one sorted – will be interested to read it. Right – back off to editing and re-writes of me own!

  7. Loved where this went, but I think the shift from present to past tenses ground the gears a little.Sharp story though, and it ended on the tip of a knife.

  8. The story had a great sense of atmosphere for me. The sudden change in tense was required for the massive impact of learning the fate of the woman.

  9. Yes… very sad, David. And short is always a plus… feels even more powerful that way

  10. Beautifully written, David. That's all it takes ~ just an instant ~ for lives to disappear, and the lives of the loved ones left behind are changed forever. Great job!

  11. G

    Great story and kewl ending. Never saw that one coming.

  12. mou

    hi…it's the first time am visiting your blog…i loved the write of this story…the way it started, the gradual flow and then the sudden end…the readers just can't not relate with the character, on 'instant ending'…wish you all the very best in life…keep writing ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. Nice, clean work. No messing about there.

  14. Short shorts work when they're written like this. You boiled it down to the core emotions and broke your readers' hearts at the end. Good job.

  15. Spooky. Dang, I could never pull off a story that short. Nice job.

  16. Haunting, sir. Very haunting and well done.

  17. Chris – Thanks bud. I needed the punch at the end so the jump was required, I think.Beach – Thamks mate. appreciate your comment.Anthony – I like the short stuff at the mo. Thanks man.Kathleen – Thanks again for your time.G – Thanks, as always.Mou/Hermione – Thanks???Steve – Thanks for looking mate. Appreciate it.Welles – Thanks bud. I had written a different story but it weighed in at 1800 words. This one took its place. Thanks for your feedback.Evan – Skyler rules! Thanks mate.Cormac – Thanks mate. Appreciate your comments. Inspiration comes in many ways.

  18. That's sharp. Short and right into the heart.

  19. Ooh, a totally unexpected twist. I really enjoyed the vivid colurs either described or implied. (My fave starter, btw!)

  20. I'm reminded of the magician's trick with tablecloth and flowers. Well executed.

  21. Gerald's comment is spot on.I was about to say something like, "You had me with the picture," then felt almost ashamed for being so glib before I saw where you were going. Then I realized that was perfect, made me feel for the narrator that much more.Great story.

  22. I like the short stories. Much easier for me to read on the computer. I have trouble following long text on here..I loved the story! Such detail in so few words with a knife to the heart ending!It was great!((Hugs))Laura

  23. A sucker punch of a story (and bonus points for the photo of the electric blue dress). Brevity IS the soul of wit.

  24. First, this is one of the coolest story prompts I've heard of. I LOVE this song.You've got visual prose here. "Her long red hair spiralled down onto her shoulders and her figure hugging electric blue dress clung to every curve of her perfect figure"Yowza!The woman of his dreams here one minute, taken the next. That isn't fair. I object to your unhappy endings, David! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Of course, I'm a fine one to speak.ps. Thank you for looking up Spindled Souls from Laurita's site. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  25. pow. like mr. brazill sez, very effective.

  26. Very, very cool. I love sad endings, and this one was perfect, sharp.

  27. Flash and fab! Powerful stuff!

  28. Very nicely done David.

  29. Powerful stuff. Another good un david.

  30. Thanks to each and everyone of you. My apologies for commenting earlier and I will get round to all the stories asap. Thanks again.

  31. All the above comments speak volumes. Top stuff, Dave.

  32. David…I feel cheated, just starting to relax then bang!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s